Hello America. Once again, it’s America’s top News Anchor Pat McGroine coming right at ya!(That’s what she said). Anyway. Hope you all had a great new year. I know I did. This week’s top news story: Sean Penn is a wanna be tough guy piece of shit journalist. Great job, Rolling Stone. Why get one of the most aggressive and violent actors in Hollywood and have him interview one of the most aggressive and most violent drug lords in the world? Sean Penn is exactly like Hunter S. Thompson, except Hunter S. Thompson could keep a fucking secret and write a decent fucking article. Sean Penn, go fuck yourself. Whatta ya gonna do tough guy? Ya gonna go full-retard and drop by Kilson Street Studios and throw down? Ya gonna pretend I’m Madonna in the 80’s, brah? What ya gonna do, motherfucker? Anyway. New Year, New Pat.
Our 2nd Top News Story: the RAMS are coming back to LA. THANK GOD. Fuck the RAIDERS. Anytime the RAIDERS come to town CRIME goes UP and property values go DOWN. Whoever the NFL commissioner is, please dissolve the RAIDERS and save everyone a lot of heartache and crime.
And our last top news story: David Bowie is dead. He was a legend. YES, he was great. YES, he was ONE of a KIND, but you know what else America? Get over it. What are we gonna do as a nation? Collectively weep every time a celebrity dies? Grow a pair balls, you fucking pussies. Jesus Christ. I love books and you know what? 99.99% of my heroes are already dead. That’s how I know America doesn’t read. You don’t see legions of people collectively butt hurt because their favorite writer is dead. Anyway, have a great week!